‘The source of suffering is never what happens to us but is instead what we make it mean.’ Paraphrased from the work of Landmark Education

The wisdom captured in the short sentence above has been the theme of this week’s coaching; both in my clients’ lives and in my own, so I thought I’d offer it up to you to try on as well. Let’s look at it a bit more closely.

First, let’s make a distinction between physical suffering and emotional suffering. If I hit my thumb with a hammer, I’ll experience acute physical suffering also known as pain. It will last for a few hours or a day.

However, it’s possible that I’ll also suffer emotionally if I’m not mindful of my thoughts and feelings. I may say to myself something like, ‘What a stupid thing that was. I’m so clumsy. I’ve always been clumsy. I should know better than to ever pick up a hammer, etc.’ This meaning that I ascribe to what happened, i.e. I hit my thumb with a hammer, is the source of the emotional suffering, not the facts of the matter.

Let’s look at another example that may be common to many people reading this article. I had a coaching session with a client who was bummed out because he’s now close to 60 years old and he doesn’t feel that he can do all the things he could do when he was younger. He’s not able to lift heavy objects at work which makes him feel inadequate and that he’s not carrying his own weight. Since he and his wife still have small children at home, he feels that because of his age he doesn’t have the energy level that he should have to keep up with his children and that makes him feel like a failure as a husband and father.

Now, let’s see if we can distinguish between the facts of this example and the meaning, remembering the source of the emotional angst and suffering is ALWAYS the meaning ascribed and not the ‘facts of life.’ Here are the facts: He is 58 years old. He is unable to lift heavy objects at work. He has small children at home. Where’s the suffering in any of that?

Here’s the meaning that he has ascribed to the facts. He feels that he’s inadequate and not able to pull his own weight at work. He feels that his energy level isn’t what it should be as a father of small children. He feels like a failure as a husband and father. Ahh, sounds like we’ve found the source of the suffering.

Now, if we’re interested in ending suffering in our life, this next piece is important. We get to say what we make our life mean. We can either use the ‘default’ meaning that will be pretty much automatically coming from fear, lack and struggle, or we can create new meaning coming from a space of Universal Love, abundance and flow.

What could our friend here make up about being 58? How about something like, ‘I’m more valuable than ever to my co-workers because I’m far wiser now than I was earlier in my life.’ And how about at home? ‘I’m a great dad. I have the perfect amount of energy, balanced with a level of maturity and insight to life that is a true gift to my children.’ Of course, it helps tremendously in this process to claim being 100% responsible for your life. To stake claim on being the author and artist of the masterpiece called your life, including the meaning of your life that you ascribe to whatever happens.

Do you have places in your life or issues where you feel stuck and are suffering? Try out this exercise:

1. Write out everything you know about the issue. Write it out in full detail including what happened, your thoughts about the matter, how you feel about it, etc. Then go back and pull out the facts. Don’t be surprised if there are relatively few actual facts. (If you’re deeply stuck, you may need to ask for assistance from an objective observer to help with this part.)

2. Next, take a blank sheet of paper; divide it in half by drawing a line down the middle. At the top center of the page, write the word, ‘Fear based,’ then under that, on the top left of the page, write the word, ‘Thoughts,’ and on the top right write the word, ‘Feelings.’ Then go back to the story about your issue and make a list of the thoughts and the feelings attached to those thoughts. In the process you’ll be identifying the ‘molecules of meaning’ that are at the heart of your suffering.

3. Then, turn the page over and label this side ‘Love based,’ divide the page in half and make a list of the thoughts and feelings you could create that would also account for the same facts.

4. Then choose which side of the page you’d prefer to live from.

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